You Gotta Have Friends

I posted about this before, but I'm feeling the need to revisit the topic. As much as I want to have close friends, I haven't been much of one lately. Thankfully, my real friends understand me enough not to hold it against me.

This is nothing new, I'm just becoming more and more conscious of it as I get older. Being a loner, you just get inside your own head and take people for granted sometimes. Time goes by so fast that before you can pick up the phone to return a call, they end up calling you wondering why you haven't called them back. I apologize profusely and/or make up some bullshit excuse, which of course makes me feel that much worse for not calling them back in the first place. And the cycle continues.

It's so much about procrastination, which I have a chronic case of. I've improved with some things, but with others I still need a lot of work. So much is about timing with me. I've got to feeeel like talking. There are times when the phone rings and I just let the machine get it even though I know who's calling (God bless Caller ID). Sometimes it can take days before I call back. I guess I can be quite the moody bitch at times.

What really woke me up this time was a surprise visit I got yesterday from a friend in California. He called me about two weeks ago and left a message; nothing major, just checking in. It took me about a week, but I ended up sending him an email. That was the week my uncle died so I figured I could get by with that. I promised myself I'd call him in a couple days. Before I could think of picking up the phone, a week passes, the doorbell rings and there he is, standing in front of me. All kinds of feelings were going through me. First of all, I wasn't exactly prepared for company; I was doing some housecleaning and wasn't exactly my freshest. Thankfully, he was just passing through and wasn't planning to stay long. He had his mother and two young sons with him and had to get them back home. I was kind of relieved, but still found myself apologizing, asking him if he got my email, since he didn't respond to it. Of course, there were no hard feelings on his part, but I still felt a little bad about it.

Then I get a call from another friend today. He starts teasing me about how "unloved" he feels. Of course, I feel like shit because I've been thinking about calling him all week and didn't. (I always hate when you're thinking about calling someone and they call you first.) All I can do is apologize and admit that I've been an awful friend. Thankfully, he knows me too well and doesn't hold it against me either.

How can I cultivate any new relationships if I can't even maintain the ones I've got? They say that to resolve a problem, you've got to admit you have one. It's a bit scary opening up, and I don't always feel like I have anything interesting to say. I just have to get past that and do it; just pick up the damn phone. Or, at the very least, send an email. (I usually do better in writing anyway.)