Alone Again…Naturally
I've been thinking a lot about relationships these days, particularly friendships. I tend to spend a lot of time by myself, which I enjoy, since I'm a natural loner, but I do feel the need to be with others at times. It's not that I'm completely alone; there are others in the house, it's just that I don't connect with anyone too intimately (but then I never really have).
I've got my weekly thing at God's Love which is my primary social outlet, and that's fine, but sometimes I need more than that. Although I can be quite the social creature, I can still feel alone sometimes, even among the folk there, which can be excruciating. Being alone in a crowd feels a lot worse than just being by myself.
A lot of my disconnect comes from not working outside my house too often, and not having much of an income (oh, the shame of it all). Staying home is definitely cheaper, but can be quite stifling. It also leaves a lot to be desired in terms of conversation. What do you talk about if all you do is stare into a computer screen all day and read trade publications? If it wasn't for TV and newspapers (and of course the internet) I wouldn't know what the hell was going on out there! (Even with all that I can be a day late with the news.)
Right now, I'm pretty thankful for the blog thing. I can be home and with people at the same time, but even the web has it's limits. I admit that I haven't thrown myself into it totally. I've never participated in online chats or did any dating (I don't date in real life either, so no difference there). I only signed onto Friendster at someone else's behest (see my previous post). I guess life, and the World Wide Web, is what you make it.
This isn't the first time I've mentioned by inability to open up, it's just been on my mind again. Just bringing all this up again is a bit uncomfortable, but I'm trying. I admire people who can be vulnerable and revealing online. I guess this is my meager attempt at it. It's definitely cheaper than therapy.
They say that to have friends you've got to be one. It's not that I have no friends, I'm just a bit neglectful with calling and reaching out sometimes. I'm working on it, but I wish it came more naturally to me. It does feel like a lot of work sometimes. Maybe I just shouldn't think about it so much.
posted by Melanie @ 10:34 PM
8 Comments:
Hey Mel...
You've got me thinking here. How about doing something to break out of your mold? baby steps, y'know?
Like, talk to someone new at the next God's love meeting or something. Even if it's something simple like just saying hi and asking how they are. Who knows? You meet a really cool person?!
Thanks for the concern, Mo. You're a real bud. Although what I said is true at times, I'm hardly as bad as I made myself sound. I guess I was just in one of those moods.
You are right about the baby steps though. That's how I'm approaching just about everything these days. I guess practice makes perfect, huh?
Yeah, I get in those moods sometimes, too. Kinda sucks sometimes; other times it feels ok. I do have a friend who struggles with social anxiety, and sometimes I'm holding her hand thru her own little baby steps.
Hey Mel...sorry I haven't been around in a while. There's been a lot of things going on in my head for the past couple of weeks!
I cannot believe how much we are alike on this! I've always been such a loner, too! Even, as you said, in a crowded room. Because I've always got my mind on something else I want and need to do..alone! I love people, but most of the time I would really rather be by myself, to "do my own thing".
I think the only time I can be myself is when I'm alone or with Hubby or the kids. And even then, I still hold back some. For instance, I love to dance, but I have never let even Hubby see me! Strange, I know...but I've learned to accept me.
I mean, when your favorite thing to do is writing, another person is a distraction, right? And, I write constantly. Besides my blog, I'm in the middle of a romance novel and a story of my life. Plus, I write poetry. So, very busy...go away world!
You take care! Kaye
Thanks for the understanding, Ms. Z. We're definitely the types that need more "me" time than the average citizen. Just like you, I tend to be in my own head a lot. (Sometimes it's just a more interesting place to be.)
I'm still reading through your blog. I'm almost finished May. Did you get my last email? I decided not to sign on to Xanga, at least for now, so I'll continue to comment by email, if that's OK.
BTW, your cats are adorable. Too bad I'm allergic.
Best wishes on your books. Let me know when you're ready to publish. I can put you in touch with my indie publisher friend, and talk about you in my lit blog, New Word.
Well, you know, when you're in your own head you can make things go the way you want them to! Anything is possible!
I'm so sorry about your email. I thought I sent you a reply, but then I'm crazy half the time. The link you put in the email took me back to my site, so I hunted for your post and found it. Beautiful poem! Exactly the way I feel! I think us loners are the ones with all these thoughts that just have to come out in our fingers, don't you?
It's perfectly fine to email me, and I'll try to make sure I answer you next time! If sometimes I don't, just shoot me another one and scold me. I've got into 'flylady.com' and get over 20 emails a day just from her, so my inbox gets pretty full and things get lost in there!
I really appreciate your offer to help point me to a publisher. It'll be a while, but I'll certainly let you know when I'm ready. Thanks!
BTW: I like "Ms. Z"! Wish I'd thought of that when I started my blog!
Kaye
Found you through Modigli and thought your posts were interesting.
I've also worked by myself at home and found it frustrating at times. Sometimes, I would go to the supermarket just to interact with the salesgirl. I suggest that you get out at least once a day during the afternoon -- or else you start going stir crazy... It's important even for loners like us... (we don't want to become like those crazy gun nuts living in shacks in Oregon).
Hey Ms. Z (glad you like it),
No hard feelings about the emails, I get a little slow in responding myself. I guess it's all part of the syndrome. :-)
Thanks about the poem. There does seem to be a more direct connect from our brains to our hands sometimes, doesn't it?
Still reading through your blog. I'm about halfway through June now. I'm glad you're trying to eat healthier. I was really concerned about all those Hardee's burgers. LOL
Hi Neil,
Thanks for stopping by. I've definitely seen you on Mo's blog. Thanks also for understanding the plight of the homebound worker.
I keep saying I'll get out a bit everyday, but I can't always pry myself off the computer long enough, among other things. You are right that the mind, and body, needs a breather once in a while.
And, no we don't want to become as Oregon shack dwellers, do we? I shudder at the mere thought!
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