Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Still Adjusting

Eating has become a whole new experience for me now. Since I started on this "conscious" diet a month ago, my whole relationship with food has changed. It used to be that I'd just get up and eat whatever was convenient, which usually meant less than healthy. Now I've actually got to THINK about it. I also have to plan for it, shop for it, and—COOK IT.

Since my mom and I live together, I admit to having been spoiled about this stuff. The kitchen is basically her domain and I honor and respect that (i.e. keep my ass out). I used to try cooking years ago, but having her "suggest" how I should do everything became a little too much and I backed off. I've continued to do some things, but nothing major. I really got into baking which I loved (even thought about being a pastry chef), but the extra 30 lbs. I put on "testing" everything put an end to that dream quick fast.

Now I MUST cook or I don't eat—at least nothing I'm supposed to. Mom's being very supportive though. She's always been health conscious, so what I'm doing isn't completely foreign to her, but she doesn't completely understand everything. I'm still learning about macrobiotics myself, so it's kind of hard explaining it to her, especially the whole yin-yang thing. Her Christian sensibilities aren't quite ready for the Tao of Eating. Despite that, I try to explain some things, but I still get some resistance. "Is this going to be cold? I never heard of rice in a salad," or "Whenever I've eaten quinoa, it's always been plain, like a rice," or "Where is your protein coming from?" Or some other suggestion of what to leave out or put in.

The best part is when she insists on making something the minute I say I'm going to make it, then gets upset when I say it has to be done a certain way. I'm not trying to step on her culinary toes, but in order for me to stick with this, I've got to be fully invested—cooking and all. And I've got to know what goes in everything I eat as much as possible. The thing is, it's hard to explain all that without pressing the insult button.

I don't like arguing with her because I'm always going to be perceived as sensitive and defensive. I just have to learn not to share so much; do what I'm doing and not say anything. But it's not easy. We're very close and she does help me with purchasing some of the ingredients when my money's low (which is most of the time). And our health store trips have become real bonding events. I guess I just have to be patient with her—and me. I'm sure it'll get better as we go along.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

A Little Starstruck

My last two posts have been about videoblogging in general, and Ryanne Hodson in particular. I never would have believed I'd have the opportunity to meet her in person; at least not the way I did—or this soon.

Me & Ryanne

Yesterday, as I'm watching her latest post, she mentions that she and some other vloggers will be down at the Apple Store giving a presentation. I thought nothing of it at first since it could have been any Apple Store. Then I stop for a second, realizing that she does live in New York now, and that it could possibly be, and probably is, the Apple Store in NYC. It was about 4pm at that time, so I decided to check the Apple Store website just to be sure it wasn't over. Turns out, the presentation wasn't until 7, so I still had enough time to get down there.

When I got there, they hadn't started yet, so I tried to get as close to the front as possible to get some shots (of course, I brought my camera). Once I got myself settled, I look up, and there they were—Ryanne and her boyfriend Jay Dedman, another vlogger who's also presenting. (They actually met through their blogs!) After setting up, they started the presentation. I did know some of what they were talking about since I had already posted video to this blog, but I was glad for some other information I got. Most of all, I was really inspired to do more.

Jay & Me

After it was over, I made my way over to Ryanne and introduced myself. I actually reintroduced myself, since we met a few days earlier by email. (It is amazing how much better—and smaller—people look in person.) She remembered me and introduced me to Jay. We talked for a while, took pictures, and they invited me to join them and the others for dinner. I accepted, and had a great time with them and the other vloggers.

Even though they aren't celebrities per se, I was more taken with them than by almost any celebrity I've seen in person. Everyday I'm in Ryanne's world, learning about her and her life, now here she is smack in the middle of mine; a very surreal experience. I've never met anyone online before, so that added another dimension to the whole thing. She and Jay are the nicest, most gracious people (and they're quite the cute couple, too). They were actually amazed at the fact that I saw the post and responded to it. That just shows how truly powerful blogging, and the internet is. I've definitely got to post more videos now to keep myself in the loop.

For anyone in the NYC area, they're going to be back at the Apple Store the last Saturday in September. So if you're not doing anything, come on out and meet the vloggers.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Anybody Out There?!

I was going through some old posts at Ryanne Hodson's site and came across one that stirred quite a discussion in the comments section. In this particular post, entitled No Answers, Ryanne candidly shared her views on religion and the concept of a supreme being. Most of the commenters, through both text and video, basically expounded on her points. One vlogger, a confessed Christian, took an opposing view, but was more moderate in his beliefs, even sounding apologetic for some things Christians say and do at times.

Although raised as a strict Christian, I've been re-evaluating my beliefs for quite a while, and have been exploring different spiritual concepts and practices. I do believe in a force that is the ultimate source of it all, and whether people choose to refer to this entity as God, Allah, Infinite Intelligence, The Great Creator, The Infinite Universe, Shiva/Shakti, the Neteru, or whatever, I believe it does exist and that we, and everything that is, derives from it, is one with it, and will eventually return to it. 'Nuf said. Check out the post and the responses and see what you think. If you feel like it, shoot me a comment.

Vlogging Revisited

Been checking out videoblogs again. Every so often I like to see what's happening in the vlogosphere, particularly Ryanne Hodson's site, which I love. She's been a real pioneer in all this, and is a wealth of information about the whole vlogging universe. She and her collaborator, Michael Verdi, have a site called Freevlog, that's basically an online instruction manual for anyone wanting to post videos on their blogs, or create a blog totally dedicated to video. They start right from the beginning and walk you through the whole process using video clips and images.

I started investigating vlogging a few months ago (see previous post), and have only managed to get one video up so far, but I'd definitely like to do more. The thing is, there's a lot more involved with it than text blogging. It's just so much easier to write, edit, and post. Even though it takes a while (as I'm somewhat anal about the editing), I can get a text post up in about an hour or less. Vlogging, on the other hand, requires shooting the video, editing the video, compressing the video, uploading it to a server, and finally posting the video to your blog, which could take days for one post. (I'm sure the hardcore vloggers can knock them out much faster.) I'm not afraid of the technicalities of it, but it's a whole different process, with a whole different mindset, and takes a helluva lot more time.

I have to say, they do inspire me in so many ways. I'm just astounded by the stuff these people come up with. Some of these videos are downright stupid, but with others, the honesty and openness can be quite profound. We're talking the ultimate in reality "TV" here. Slices of life from real, everyday people, not some already overexposed D-list/has-been/wannabe celebrities.

I've got to start making time to put some stuff together. I'm pretty camera shy, so don't look to see too much of me at first. Over time, I'll probably step out of my shell a little more.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

The End of the Line

This morning we buried my uncle's ashes at the cemetary. The whole thing was different for us since we never cremated anyone before. I'm so used to TV where they've got the ashes in an urn and scatter them somewhere. In our case it was nice, but pretty unceremonious.

The limosine from the funeral home came and picked us up about 9:30. There were four of us who went: my mom and me, my cousin Erica, who's staying with us, and Aunt Marge, my mom's good friend. The cemetary's about an hour's drive from where we live. It was a pretty nice ride, save for the bumps my mom and Aunt Marge got from where they were sitting. They kept joking about how they were going to lose their babies from all the jostling, which was pretty funny considering you're talking about a couple of 70-something year old women.

When we get there, the funeral home guy gets out and hands this white cardboard box over to this very butch-looking woman who had just walked over from a truck. (My mom totally mistook her for a man.) He then gets back in the car and we pull off. Turns out, the box was Uncle Winston. I'm wondering where we're going and why this woman's standing there holding my uncle. I know we didn't come all the way up here for it to end like that!

Turns out, we just went back to the main office to be checked in. We ended up riding back to the same spot where we left the woman holding the ashes. This time, we got out of the car, and she directed us over to my grandparent's gravesite, where he'll be buried. When we looked down, there was the white box, which was about 8"x6" or so with a shipping label on it, laying on the ground next to what appeared to be a 2-feet deep hole. That box seemed kind of small to be holding the remains of a 6'2" man, but they assured us he was all in there.

We said The Lord's Prayer, and the woman, who turned out to be the gravedigger, placed the box in the hole and picked up a shovel. Before she threw the dirt in the hole, I asked if we could start things off. She said it was no problem and gave me the shovel. I handed it to my mom so she could go first. I was next, and my cousin went last. (Even though she didn't know my uncle, she wanted to share the experience.) Aunt Marge took a pass. Then we watched as the woman threw the rest of the dirt in and completely covered the little white box.

Before we left, I was able to go to my father's gravesite, which wasn't too far from there. Short, sweet and to the point. Uncle Winston's in his new home, and now we can get on with the business of life.

Monday, August 22, 2005

You Gotta Have Friends

I posted about this before, but I'm feeling the need to revisit the topic. As much as I want to have close friends, I haven't been much of one lately. Thankfully, my real friends understand me enough not to hold it against me.

This is nothing new, I'm just becoming more and more conscious of it as I get older. Being a loner, you just get inside your own head and take people for granted sometimes. Time goes by so fast that before you can pick up the phone to return a call, they end up calling you wondering why you haven't called them back. I apologize profusely and/or make up some bullshit excuse, which of course makes me feel that much worse for not calling them back in the first place. And the cycle continues.

It's so much about procrastination, which I have a chronic case of. I've improved with some things, but with others I still need a lot of work. So much is about timing with me. I've got to feeeel like talking. There are times when the phone rings and I just let the machine get it even though I know who's calling (God bless Caller ID). Sometimes it can take days before I call back. I guess I can be quite the moody bitch at times.

What really woke me up this time was a surprise visit I got yesterday from a friend in California. He called me about two weeks ago and left a message; nothing major, just checking in. It took me about a week, but I ended up sending him an email. That was the week my uncle died so I figured I could get by with that. I promised myself I'd call him in a couple days. Before I could think of picking up the phone, a week passes, the doorbell rings and there he is, standing in front of me. All kinds of feelings were going through me. First of all, I wasn't exactly prepared for company; I was doing some housecleaning and wasn't exactly my freshest. Thankfully, he was just passing through and wasn't planning to stay long. He had his mother and two young sons with him and had to get them back home. I was kind of relieved, but still found myself apologizing, asking him if he got my email, since he didn't respond to it. Of course, there were no hard feelings on his part, but I still felt a little bad about it.

Then I get a call from another friend today. He starts teasing me about how "unloved" he feels. Of course, I feel like shit because I've been thinking about calling him all week and didn't. (I always hate when you're thinking about calling someone and they call you first.) All I can do is apologize and admit that I've been an awful friend. Thankfully, he knows me too well and doesn't hold it against me either.

How can I cultivate any new relationships if I can't even maintain the ones I've got? They say that to resolve a problem, you've got to admit you have one. It's a bit scary opening up, and I don't always feel like I have anything interesting to say. I just have to get past that and do it; just pick up the damn phone. Or, at the very least, send an email. (I usually do better in writing anyway.)

Monday, August 15, 2005

A Great Weekend

For once I can say that I really enjoyed my weekend. It wasn't anything extraordinary, but it was out of the ordinary for me.

Saturday, my niece, T'Pring, gave a cookout in a park outside her apartment complex. It was family, friends, and lots of food. They even had enough salad and fish for me not to break my diet. The only thing I had to supply was something to drink. I've been avoiding alcohol and sugar, so the beer and sodas weren't going to work for me.

I'm only just getting to know this side of my family, and don't see them that often, so it was great that we all got together. I hadn't seen my brother Melvin in quite a long time, so it was great seeing him too. He did a real good job manning the grill and making everyone laugh. I definitely get my sense of humor from that side of the family.

It was extremely hot, but we made the most of it. Everything just seemed to work out that day; even the subways cooperated. I hardly had to wait for one train or bus. It was a good day.

Sunday was Randy's annual pool party. She's one of my fellow volunteers at God's Love We Deliver. The party was cancelled last year due to health issues, but she's feeling a lot better and got back on track this year. Randy and her husband, Robbie, live way upstate, right next to Connecticut. She arranged to have a van service pick us up at a designated spot in the city and take us up there. We always have fun on the ride up. Other folk drove themselves and met us there.

Despite the eventual thunderstorms, we did manage to get some swimming in before the rain started. I really felt good about getting in a swimsuit after 20 years. (Yes, 20 years!) I almost didn't do it, but I knew if I didn't I'd feel like a fool, especially with temperatures pushing toward 100º. I just couldn't picture myself sweltering while everyone else was out there in the water. No amount of body consciousness is worth that kind of suffering. Plus, it's not like there were any Ms./Mr. Olympia contestants to compete with. It was really great being in the water again. I hadn't swum in so long, I almost thought I forgot how, but some things you just can't forget. I'd actually love to do it for exercise at some point.

Once the rains came, we moved everything indoors. Randy's home is so big and beautiful, it really didn't matter. Even when the power went out for a while, we just lit some candles and had fun anyway. Some of the guys even went in the pool in the rain (once the lightning stopped, of course). The food was great, and we had no problem entertaining ourselves. (If the Thursday night crew is known for anything, it's having a good time.) The best thing about the rain is that it cooled everything off; the temperature must have dropped about 20º. Once it stopped, we were actually able to have dinner outside.

I even did good with the diet until the desserts came out, then all bets were off. I just wasn't strong enough to resist a tableful of sweets. And I did have a couple drinks. I know now that wine is off limits from now on. That, and the desserts, went straight to my head, and not because of the alcohol. The sugar content was just too much for me. I got an instant headache. Hey, you live and learn. I've only been on this diet for 2 weeks. I refuse to beat myself up over it; I know I'll get better as I go along.

Suffice it to say, a good time was had by all. Can't wait till next year.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

On A Happier Note

I just read about this quiz on MoDigli's blog, and decided to try it. The last part's got more truth to it than the first, but who knows, maybe that side just hasn't revealed itself yet. I do like the graphic though; maybe I can devise some better use for it.



You are happy, driven, and status conscious.
You want everyone to know how successful you are.
Very logical, you see life as a game of strategy.

A bit of a loner, you prefer to depend on yourself.
You always keep your cool and your composure.
You are a born leader and business person.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

RIP Uncle Winston

I've experienced death many times, but never the way I did today. My Uncle Winston, who's been sick a long time, died this afternoon.

This is the first time I ever had someone die in my presence, but it wasn't the dramatic kind of death you hear about or see on TV. There was no one running to his bedside with a crash cart breaking out paddles (even though it happened twice before we got there), or no long beep with a flat line running across a computer screen (the most we saw were little blips, that grew progressively smaller, but never went flat). The nurse had to actually tell us he was gone.

The way they had him hooked up to those machines, you couldn't tell what was happening just by looking at him. His breathing was labored, but he was breathing. You can normally tell that someone's alive if they're breathing, but in this case it was merely illusion. When his heart finally did stop, we had no idea because his breathing was the same. The only clue we had that he was going were his cold hands. They were as soft as ever, but ice cold. The nurse said it was because all his energy was being directed toward his heart, so it was normal for the extremities to be cold. His face was still warm though, which was a small comfort, but we at least had something to hold onto for the moment.

Because my mom is the next of kin, she had to sign a form allowing them not to resuscitate him if he regressed. The nurse was very kind and explained everything they had done, and that it would be pointless to keep him going. She said that although he never regained consciousness, he had waited for us to get there, and could tell by the monitors that he was starting to drift away. We agreed that it was time to let him go; he'd suffered enough. My mom told me to let go of his hand so he wouldn't try to hang on any longer. We said a prayer for him, kissed him goodbye, and came home.

I wish him well on his new journey. He's been through an awful lot in his life, and now it's over. He deserves to finally be at peace.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

I'm In It To Win It!

I've been doing pretty well so far with the new diet. I decided though, that I wouldn't get too strict with the health-specific aspect of it right now. I'm just going to focus on general conversion for the first couple of months. It's been stressful enough just trying to figure out what to eat everyday, and having to avoid all the little things I used to snack on without thinking about it. There are more than enough new things on my plate as it is. (No pun intended.)

I just received two books from Amazon that I've been reading, and have been checking out some of their recipes (more details on New Word). The thing is, I have to get all these new ingredients, some of which I never heard of in life, like umeboshi plums, aduki beans and wakame seaweed. Yes, seaweed. All kinds of seaweed. It ain't just for sushi anymore.

I did have fun at a new health store I found yesterday. I had about 3 different lists, which was confusing. My sister faxed me a list of her do's and don'ts, then I created one with all the obscure stuff to get at the health store, and another for the supermarket. It was a bit nerve-wracking, and it was about 100º out (or close to it), so my anxiety level was on the high side. I could have dropped a couple hundred dollars in there easy, but I kept to my $50 budget. $50.19 to be exact. I still have to make another trip to the supermarket to round everything out, but I should have enough stuff to whip up at least 2 or 3 interesting dishes. That might not seem like much, but health food ain't cheap.

I also got a cool new software to keep track of all these new recipes. It's called Cookware Deluxe. I actually had an old demo version of it that I never registered, so once I started all this I took another look at it. Since I'm so committed to my new life ;-), I figured I'd actually pay to register it. It was only about $25, so it didn't break the bank. It came with a bunch of recipes, which is nice, but unfortunately, I'll have to ignore most of them. It's been great so far though. I've started entering and printing out recipes, which is helping things to settle down and make some sense. It'll also help me create shopping lists, which should make my next trip to the health store a lot more organized and a lot less stressful.